Why Your Sex Life Is Stagnant: Rethinking Sexuality for Couples
- Syna Gensterblum
- Nov 15, 2024
- 9 min read
Introduction: Sexuality—The Elephant in the Room
We all think we understand sexuality—until we actually start questioning it.
If we ask Wikipedia, it defines sexuality as:
“Human sexuality is the way people experience and express themselves sexually. This involves biological, psychological, physical, erotic, emotional, social, or spiritual feelings and behaviors. Because it is a broad term, which has varied with historical contexts over time, it lacks a precise definition. The biological and physical aspects of sexuality largely concern the human reproductive functions, including the human sexual response cycle.”
Mhhh... “It lacks a precise definition.” If Wikipedia doesn’t know, who knows it then?
What is sexuality, really? Is it just the way we touch each other, or does it go deeper into how we feel and connect? So many couples settle into routines without ever having truly explored their own sexual identities, let alone each other’s.
Here’s a little challenging question: do you really know what turns you on, or are you just playing a role someone handed you? Sexuality isn’t just about what happens in the bedroom; it’s a mix of our desires, feelings, beliefs, behaviors, and, let’s be real, a lot of unspoken assumptions.
In this article, we’re throwing out the scripts and diving into what actually drives our attraction and connection. Let’s shake off all the ‘shoulds’ society has handed us and dig into what sexuality really means for you and your relationship—without the filters, the clichés, or any need to perform.
Sexuality Isn’t Just About Sex
Let’s get one thing straight: sexuality is not just about sex. Society often reduces it to the physical act, who you have sex with, or how often you have it—but it’s so much more than that.
Your sexuality is a deeply emotional and psychological experience. How you feel, how you express yourself, who you are attracted to, and how you connect with your partner—this is the real essence of your sexuality.You can find other people physically, sexually, or emotionally attractive, and all those things are a part of your sexuality.
Sexuality is diverse and personal, and it’s an important part of who you are. Discovering your sexuality can be a very liberating, exciting, and positive experience.
Is your sexuality defined by what you do, or how you feel? If it’s the former, then maybe you’ve been missing out on the full spectrum of what sexuality means.
The media constantly tells us that being sexual means performing certain acts and positions, but it’s actually about how you connect to yourself and your partner.
How often have you stopped to consider whether your sexual expression is truly yours or if it’s just following a script you learned somewhere else or what society defines as sex?Ask yourself and your partner: How are we defining our sexuality? And is it really in line with what we feel, or just with what we think we should do?
Some people experience discrimination due to their sexuality. If someone gives you a hard time about your sexuality, it’s good to talk to someone about it.
Different Types of Sexuality
Most likely, you were born with either male or female genitalia and you consider yourself a man or a woman. Religion and society have taught us from an early age that we must be attracted to the opposite gender, and if it’s not so, we’re somehow “not normal.”
Your sexuality can also change over time. You might be drawn to men, to women, to both, or to neither. There is no right or wrong— it’s about what’s right for you. And while there are common terms to describe different types of sexuality, you don’t have to adopt a label to describe yourself.
Heterosexual and Homosexual:
Most people are attracted to the opposite sex – women who like men or the othr way around, for example. These people are heterosexual, or ‘straight.’
Some people are attracted to the same sex. These people are homosexual. Same-sex attraction is mostly experienced during puberty.
‘Lesbian’ is the common term for people who identify as women and are same-sex attracted. ‘Gay’ is the most common term for people who identify as men and are same-sex attracted, although women identifying as lesbian sometimes use this word.
Bisexual:
There is more than just being straight or gay. Some people are attracted to both men and women, and are known as bisexual.Bisexuality doesn’t mean the attraction is evenly weighted—a person may have stronger feelings for one gender than another. And this can vary depending on who they meet. There are different kinds of bisexuality. Some people who are attracted to men and women still consider themselves to be mainly straight or gay. Others find labels too rigid and prefer to identify as ‘queer’ or ‘pansexual.’
Asexual:
A person who identifies as asexual is someone who does not experience or experiences very little sexual attraction. Asexuality is not a choice; it’s a sexual orientation, like homosexuality or heterosexuality. Some people may strongly identify with being asexual, except for a few infrequent experiences of sexual attraction (grey-asexuality).Others feel sexual attraction only after developing a strong emotional bond with someone (demisexuality).Discrimination based on sexuality: Equality and freedom from discrimination are fundamental human rights that belong to all people.
Sexuality and mental health
Although in most countries of the Western world, it is against the law to discriminate against someone because of their sexual orientation, gender identity or lawful sexual activity, discrimination still occurs.
LGBTIQA+ people have an increased risk of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, homelessness, self-harming and suicidal thoughts, compared with the general population. This is particularly true of young LGBTIQA+ people who are coming to terms with their sexuality and experiencing victimization and bullying at school.Some of the stressful experiences that can affect the mental health of an LGBTIQA+ person are:
feeling different from other people
being bullied (verbally or physically)
feeling pressure to deny or change their sexuality
feeling worried about coming out, and then being rejected or isolated
feeling unsupported or misunderstood.
These pressures are on top of all the other stuff people have to deal with in life such as managing school, finding a job, forming relationships and making sense of your identity and place in the world.
If you are worried that someone you know is struggling with their sexuality or has a mental health problem, look out for changes in their mood, behaviour, relationships, appetite, sleep patterns, coping and thinking. If these changes last more than a couple of weeks, talk to them about getting help.
Defining Your Sexuality Based on Society’s Expectations
It’s time to strip away the outside noise. Society, culture, even your parents’ views—they’ve all played a role in shaping how you view your sexuality, often in ways you don’t realize. Many of us are living out someone else’s version of what it means to be sexual, and that’s a problem.
Give it a thought - Are you making love based on what you want, or based on what you think is “right” or “normal”? Where did you learn how to have sex? Where did you get your sexual education from? If you didn’t get any, then like most of us, you learned through trial and error.Social media, porn, cultural expectations, or maybe religion—we’re constantly fed an idealized version of intimacy, and they all tell us what sex should look like. But how often do we stop and ask ourselves what we actually want?
A sex coach can help you and your partner break free from those scripted fantasies and dive into a raw, electrifying connection based on what really turns each of you on. You’ll discover how to own your pleasure, redefine intimacy, and unlock a whole new level of satisfaction that’s deeply personal and mutually exhilarating.
The Myths Couples Believe About Sexual Desire
Too often, couples fall into patterns, assuming that after a while, desire naturally fades. But what if that’s just a myth? What if your understanding of sexual desire has been warped by false beliefs?
How many of the ideas couples have about sex are actually theirs? There are so many myths out there about sexuality, and they’re slipping into our heads without us even noticing. For example, how often have you heard that great sex should just happen—spontaneous, effortless, like in the movies? Let’s be honest, does this happen in real life? No, of course not! Real life isn’t a rom-com, and honestly, some of the best sex comes from planning and communication, not “accidental” passion.
And let’s talk about those pesky stereotypes and myths like men are always in the mood, women should always be ready to please, and everyone should somehow just know what to do in bed. Seriously, who decided that?
Then there’s the big one: if you didn’t both have mind-blowing orgasms, it wasn’t good sex. Umm, no! Sex isn’t a performance act or a race to the finish line—it’s about the connection, the fun, the heat along the way.
Oh, and can we please ditch the myth that trying something kinky means your relationship is in trouble? Wanting to spice things up doesn’t mean something’s wrong—it means you’re curious, playful, and maybe even a little brave. And don’t even get me started on the lube thing—needing it doesn’t mean your body is broken; it means you’re smart enough to make things feel amazing.
Honestly, most of these myths are total bullshit, and they’re probably holding you back more than you realize. Men may feel pressure to always perform, while women may feel their sexual needs aren’t as important or valid.
The reality is, sexual desire is fluid—it doesn’t follow gender rules or societal expectations. How can you reframe your desires as a couple? What would happen if you and your partner stopped worrying about what’s “right” or “normal” and started figuring out what you actually want?
The Role of Emotional Honesty in Sexual Expression
How many times have you faked it, kept quiet about what you really want, or pretended to be satisfied just to avoid a difficult conversation?
Faking orgasms or sexual satisfaction isn’t just deception—it’s some sort of emotional betrayal. When you hide your true feelings while having sex, you’re robbing both yourself and your partner of the chance to connect on a deeper level. It may seem easier in the moment, but it slowly erodes the foundation of trust and intimacy.
Emotions and sex are like peanut butter and jelly. You can try to separate them, but they just work better together. Emotional honesty is the secret weapon that turns your sex life from “meh” to wow.
The hardest part is opening up that dialogue. Are you and your partner ready to have brutally honest conversations about your true desires? It’s scary to admit what we really want, especially when it challenges the status quo of your relationship, but it’s necessary for true sexual fulfillment. How can you truly get lost in the moment if you’re not letting your partner in on the truth?
When you’re upfront about what’s really going on inside—your deepest desires, your cheeky fantasies, and even those little insecurities—you’re taking the guesswork out of the equation. It’s not just about revealing what gets you going—it’s about showing your partner what makes you tick, what drives you wild, and what you really crave. Sure, it can feel a little vulnerable—nobody loves putting themselves out there, right? But being vulnerable isn’t a turn-off; it’s a huge turn-on. When you let your walls come down, you’re not just sharing your body; you’re creating a space where your partner can truly see you, and that’s where the magic happens.
When you’re emotionally honest, the whole dynamic shifts. You’re no longer just going through the motions, hoping everything aligns. You’re exploring what really gets you both hot and bothered—no filters, no shame. So, next time you’re tangled up in the sheets, try ditching the pretenses and get real with each other. You might just find that a little emotional honesty turns the heat way up and makes your connection even spicier.
Self-Discovery: Your Sexuality Journey
Self-discovery is a key part of sexuality. For many, this is the part that’s often skipped. But you can’t expect your partner to understand your sexuality if you don’t even know it yourself.
So, where do you begin on your path to self-discovery? You start by asking the tough questions. What turns you on? What do you desire, both emotionally and physically? What do you want from a partner? What makes you feel seen, heard, and understood in the most intimate ways?
Remember, your sexual journey is yours alone and the beauty of self-discovery is that it’s a judgment-free zone. Don’t let society or anyone else dictate what your desires should look like. Explore freely. Experiment with different forms of intimacy, get to know your body, your desires and your boundaries. Explore different sexual activities.
When you’ve got a solid sense of what you want, you bring that energy to the table, and it transforms the entire experience. You’re not just going along with whatever happens—you’re actively participating in your own pleasure. So, make self-exploration a priority. The better you know your own body and mind, the better the journey will be when you’re ready to explore with someone else.
Plus, trust me, it’s a whole lot more fun when you’re comfortable with your own desires before you share them with anyone else! Sexuality is personal, but when two people are willing to discover together, it can create an entirely new level of intimacy.
Redefining Sexuality for You
Sexuality is an ongoing journey, one that’s constantly evolving as you change, grow, and learn more about yourself and your partner. If your sexuality feels stagnant, it’s because you’ve stopped asking the hard questions. It’s easy to get comfortable and settle into patterns, but that’s when desire and intimacy start to fade.
Keep exploring. Keep discussing. Keep redefining your sexual connection as a couple. The more you challenge each other and yourselves, the deeper and more fulfilling your sexual relationship will become. Remember: sexuality is fluid, and the only way to truly embrace it is to continue discovering it together.
And if ever you get stuck - A sex coach can help you uncover your true desires, break free from limiting beliefs, and bring that extra spark into your intimate life. Whether you're flying solo or in a relationship, having someone to guide you through the ups and downs can make the journey a whole lot more fun.
So, let’s embrace the adventure of sexuality—it’s all about learning, growing, and making it as fulfilling as possible - no matter how wild it gets.
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